I find in life, the only way to handle fear is to face it head on.
We all have secret fears. They may be irrational, they may be petty or they may be very, very real. There are the fears that I won't even voice to my closest friends because if I do that, doesn't that tempt fate? What if it comes true if I put a voice to it? It's like signing my own death warrant.
But these couple months have taught me way more about how I should live life than I ever thought it would. I hated the first half of my internship. It was like every bad dream come to life. It wasn't so much as what I did that made me hate it, it was how it made me feel. I think that's the part that most people didn't get when I moaned about my internship.
It wasn't the cleaning, the wiping or the general mundaneness of it all. It was feeling underutilized. I knew that I could do so much better - to be put to work into tasks where I could use what I learnt in school, to be challenged and questioned and just to let my brain juices flow. I think it brought back every single childhood memory of being under appreciated, of being underestimated, of being just not enough. Not good enough to given tasks that mean something. I was a child with issues.
I think weirdly, that's my worst fear, of having no one believe that I could be capable of more. So when all I did was clean, it brought my worst fears to life. And you what? I faced it.
The worst thing happened and I faced it. I didn't like it but I faced it.
There's something liberating about having your worst fears stare you in the eye and confront you.
& you may take a pummel and you may fall but at the end of the day, you're still getting by.
You're still moving past.
My worst fears may not be over, they may all be realized soon enough, but I will get through this.
Trust in the journey that He has planned for you.
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