Skin bubbles

Again.


I don't suppose you have a way of not making this hurt anymore. No. This doesn't hurt anymore, what it feels like is like the last slow burn of the fire, the aftermath of a sting. I'm not in shock anymore, I don't completely lose my appetite. I don't feel the slice of old memories trying to cut through to the surface. Instead, the feel like little bubbles in my skin, trying to pop through - but now I know better than to tear through the skin to get to the memories. Now I leave them untouched.

But you get to me.
You always do.
Why.

December 28, 2013 at 05:25PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/iddA1snzcA/ Double smiles xx

December 28, 2013 at 10:37AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/icuUv-nzeE/ All grown up xx

December 25, 2013 at 05:55PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/iVyA7XHzUn/ Waiting, always waiting.

December 25, 2013 at 04:26PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/iVn2fxnza_/ Waiting, always waiting.

You feel me?

I feel like this is something that should be said:

Don't be a victim of your own thoughts. Every time you put yourself down, you shortchange yourself.

"I'm not smart enough" - Just by thinking that, you've already lost 3/4 of the battle. It sounds cocky but if you don't believe in yourself; who will? Sometimes I get really mad at myself for belittling my own worth. Every time I refuse to take a stand, or to really work for something, I lose out on something that had the potential to be life-changing. The worst part is, we often trade off these life-changing moment for a couple moments of feeling 'safe'. In other words, we'd rather not have amazing, soul-renewing, center-finding moments because we'd rather stay in our comfort zones. The best quote I've heard describe this is this:

" A ship in the habour is safe; but that is not what ships are made for "

Ships were made to cross oceans, to find new land, to bring you to all the amazing cultures and people that this planet can offer. They were made to stay afloat through storms and crashing waves, they were built for amazing feats, exactly like what we were made for. The comfort zone represents our habour, do you really want to be docked in the habour your whole life? To never taste authentic paella, to never see dolphins twirl and jump through waves? To never catch a snowflake in your hands? To never have the satisfaction of conquering a fear or a goal? Do you never want to be proud of yourself? 

It's hard, I know. Some days I feel useless and stagnant. Like I wasted my last dollar on an ice-cube that melted before I had the chance to taste the cool. It feels like I'll die soon, nothing to show for the time that I'm alive. It feels like there's a jarring silence at the back of my head, ringing in my ears telling me to stop. My lips droop, my eyes only open halfway and nothing - nothing can convince me that every thing will work out. I falter on these days. I take it one breathe at a time, one heart beat at a time. Sometimes it passes in a day, and sometimes it takes a few weeks - but it does. It passes. 

When it does, I remind myself all over again, you are the most important person to yourself - and you are. If you wouldn't call a friend fat or ugly or a dumb-skunk-filled-trash-for-brains-asshole, then why the hell would you call yourself that?! Do you know how hard your body works to keep you alive? The beating it takes from when you're insecure about the fats that make sure your internal organs are well-protected? From you hating the color of your skin and hair - of which it had no control over? From you hating acne which is basically caused by your skin trying to compensate for itself? Your body works 24/7 for you and you dare insult it? When you hate yourself - you lack respect for your body. Please, it won't be easy, but you need to realize and appreciate what you have. You are alive - your body has kept you alive. Be thankful, love it. Keep it happy and healthy. 

You hate yourself because you don't respect yourself - and  you don't respect yourself because you don't understand that miracle that you are. A living, breathing miracle. 

Do you ever feel like life is rushing pass by you and you're a step away from getting swept away but it also feels like you're cemented to the ground?

Do you ever feel so a part of yourself but then again apart from everybody else?

Do you ever feel like you have 15 different sections to your soul and no one -no one- bothers to look past the first?

Do you ever just feel a little too much?

xx

December 17, 2013 at 01:08AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/h_YdL-nzR-/ Syafiq xx

December 17, 2013 at 01:07AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/h_YQa-HzRu/ Filzy xx

December 17, 2013 at 01:03AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/h_XzDxnzRD/ We don't need attention. We deserve it.

December 16, 2013 at 08:33PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/h-46fRHzdZ/ Where my instagram people at?!

December 14, 2013 at 02:27AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/h3zHRDHzaB/ Friday the thirteenth with Zaidi.

You never know the demons that a person has. Each so perfectly formed, so perfectly in tuned to your weaknesses. They know how to press you, how to stretch you, how do plummet you down. 

Mine are sneaky, they come in disguise. They tell you it's okay to falter, to fail. If I fail, I should fail spectacularly, because that's what people expect of me. 

Demons in my mind, urgh. 

Ahh, I feel like crap today.

I feel like nothing I'm doing is really paying off and I'm getting really pissed at myself for slacking off. I need to be good enough already and I need to be pretty enough and strong enough and JUST GOOD ALREADY.

The past week was pretty good, I don't know why all of a sudden I feel like total crap. But I guess this is just a part of the lows in life. I wish it didnt feel like crap. I wish I was good enough. I wish I didnt feel like I need to compete with everybody. Caliz, there will be people better than you. I to understand that just because I'm not as good as them, it doesn't mean that I'm worthless.

YOU SEEE. I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO BUT I CANT FIND IT IN ME TO DO IT. WHAT THE HELL CALIZ WHAT THE HELL WILL YOU GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER ALREADY COMEON YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. GO CALIZ GO.

ok.

December 08, 2013 at 12:24PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hpaqLxnzfd/ #YES.

December 07, 2013 at 04:43PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hnTbPRHzXq/ Illumi Run 2013.

December 06, 2013 at 10:27AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hkDlp1HzZ9/ Bear-rista. HAHAHAHA

Sometimes, okay, most of the times, I think about my future and it overwhelms me. I feel like I'm on  minuscule row boat just searching for land and everyone else are on huge mega cruise ships sailing full speed ahead paradise. and I'm here just meh. 

IGETTINGANXIOUSNONONONONONO

December 03, 2013 at 12:25PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hci0EYHzUF/ Happy Birthday to mummy! Without you, there would be no me. And In sha Allah, if I become even half as strong as you are, I would be over the moon. You're my rock when everything gets crazy and the one I aspire to be like! I don't say it enough but I appreciate everything done, and treasure everything you've advised me...I just don't listen very well! Hahahah! Love you mummy! May your life get easier and happier!!

It pisses me off that you're useless and thoughtless.

Sounds

Do you remember how you feel safe in a song?
As long as it keeps playing, we're all good and nothing can touch us.
It wraps you in a blanket that reaches down and soothes you, like some magical soothing thing and it's just - yes.

And when you find that one song that perfectly says everything you need it to, it feels like you've found shelter from the rain. It's your shield when you've lost your sword. Like chocolate melting on burning scars. Like the sound of your mothers voice. Like the sound of people happy.

Like the sound of temporary faith.

December 02, 2013 at 10:31AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hZw4KEnzUv/ ho ho ho

I believe that life is hard to explain and your past is sometimes hard to stomach.

I believe that things happen for a reason and while you have no clue what the reason is, you'll learn about it one day.

I believe that sometimes life gets overwhelming or underwhelming and you just have to press on.

I believe that everything will click one day.

December 01, 2013 at 04:30PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/hX1NGInzQY/ Tim doesn't give a