An idle mind is the devil's playground. I don't know how people do this - it's been nearly a week since I haven't done anything and already I feel the collapse of civilization as we know it.

THERE IS NOTHING TO DO.

The only I can think of doing is reading books, cooking and reading more books. I need something to do. Someone to meet. Something to figure out.

I guess I could try to figure out where my life is headed but that would mean confronting issues. urgh, issues.

Seasons

It occurs to me that life revolves around seasons. Good ones and bad ones, funny ones and sad, tragic ones. Dr Who seasons and Psych seasons, sick seasons and color season. Maybe we shouldn't use the term "I'm just going through a phrase" because "It's just that season" would seem to be more appropriate,  won't it?

I have friendship seasons. Seasons where some people are my friends and some seasons where they're not. It's been happening since the start of time that it doesn't even feel right to fight it anymore. Friends will come and go but my books will last forever. Unless they don't - in which case, I'd just head over to the library for new ones. Because isn't that how seasons work? Out with the old and in with the new? I'm getting pretty tired of it though. There's an unstable undercurrent that come with the changing seasons. It feels like the ground is going to give under me and my heart is constantly in my throat. I try to distract myself through these changing seasons but it's hard when you don't know what to distract yourself with.

So far away but still so near

The lights go on, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here

I just came to say goodbye

I'm giving it my all
but I'm still not the one you're taking home.
I keep dancing on my own.

When everything's so heavy and I cannot, I cannot, for the life of me talk it out. I hope that this is just a phrase. Just another thing I'll have to work through to be a beautiful person. And as I type of those words, I know that they ring true. I may not be the best of anyone. I may not know how to reach out to people and I know that even if I end up alone, I have to be better than myself. 

To be stronger than myself. 

[Edit: You know what? I should be happy I have no ties to anyone. The world is my oyster and I am it's pearl. etc. I will choose who I want to be and those who stay will stay and those who do no will not. End of story.]

Beautiful things come from beautiful people and beautiful people come from the rawest of pain. 

September 22, 2013 at 09:36PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/ekIkepnzXd/ Tadaa! My very first roast chicken!

September 21, 2013 at 08:47PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eheNdtHzZ3/ Day two sans parents. Chili for three!

September 21, 2013 at 12:17AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/efRa4rnzdP/ Something to get you by.

September 20, 2013 at 08:14PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/ee1kDbnzUx/ Homemade dinner sans parents today!

September 20, 2013 at 04:24PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eebVFgnzaC/ Genting forever. It may sound corny but that's how I'd remember it. #gentingforever

September 14, 2013 at 01:21PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eOpjxDnzfo/ Too young, too dumb to realise.

September 12, 2013 at 04:23PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eJ03RYnzV_/ I miss you like a heartbeat.

"I'm out with a whole bunch of other people - but it never feels the same as when I'm with you"

Sometimes people say things in passing and you hear them, you ponder about it for a few moments or days or weeks or years - and then only when you feel it, the meaning of it hits you hard. Like a wrecking ball. Like a goddamned bullet to the heart. Like BOOOM - you get it.


You understand the fuss. You feel the pain, the words. It's there in your blood, your mind. It's in and you understand. Today I understood.


I understood that are some people that give you what no one else can. Like everyone else is a type of deliciously exotic flavor with sweets and caramels and chilies and then you hit that one old favorite - sweet vanilla.

And it's warms and comforting and hits the spot. And it's like "hey, you can chill now. you're okay"

But then the tub finishes. You scrape the bottom of the tub to get more. But it's gone and you're gonna have to be okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, i love trying new flavors or having new people to hang with - I'm just saying; sometimes old is gold.

September 10, 2013 at 12:00AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eC6yEDnzaU/ #badasses #nabins

September 10, 2013 at 12:00AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eC6vsVHzaO/ #badasses #nabins

September 08, 2013 at 11:22PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/eARi3_nzRA/ 1. Paper lantern that shows why I dropped out from design 2. Pretty booth lights. 3. Mascot ( I can't get over how happy the girl in the background looks!)

September 08, 2013 at 05:07PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/d_muaznzYY/ Design school dropout. And now we know why!

Pre-Bitch Day

Sigh.

Tmr is going to be a bitch of a day. Gonna head all the way to sengkang for work and the uniform...DOESN'T FIT. my body was not made for chiness fashion. Okay main gripe over. In sha Allah, ill get through tmr without difficulty and the people I work with are nice and I stop feeling this way. Like I've been stomped on and left to bleed dry. Maybe that would be the better option.

Why do I feel too much and so frequently.

Stop brain. STOPPPPPPPPPP.

September 07, 2013 at 12:15AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/d7OFPyHzRB/ JB bound! Cannot wait to see all of themmmmm!

September 05, 2013 at 06:37PM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/d4CmnlnzRp/ Finally got some time to read and think. Libraries are hands down one of the best places on earth.

The city led me out one night,
Through lonely streets and neon lights
Searching. Again. 

I met a stranger singing songs
Sat in the doorway I belonged
With him, just talking. 

-30 Minute Love Affair, Paloma Faith  

Have you ever met someone that was the one for you
but you knew  you weren't the one for them? 

Complications.  

September 04, 2013 at 12:42AM

via Instagram http://instagram.com/p/dziuITHzYZ/ When he's the one, you'll come undone and the world will stop spinning.