And I can't stand how much I need you.

Things will get better.

I will get the money to pay Z off
I will save more money
I may not be able to go to Bangkok but that's okay.
I will stay strong
I will remain calm
I will concentrate on my studies.
I will not miss them too much.

I will.


#nowplaying : Hate that I love you. 

Today, this happened.

Week Six.

Comm - C (No RJ)
Maths - C (No RJ, again?!)
Cog - A
Sci - B (Late)
Ob - B

That concluded my shitty week.

I need ....

I'll need to get:
- More running shorts 
- Socks
- Hoddie
- This bag
- Nyx HD Eyelid Primer
- Nyx Lip Creme
- Relvon Just Bitten Lip Stain

Goals for the week: 
- Call dental
- Go for driving lesson (Thursday 28/06/2012, 5.10 - 6.10)
- Clear notes for prev week
- Return lib books


Goals for the next month - JULY: 
- Complete Ramadan to the best of my ability
- Save $100
- Be more prepared for coming UT's

Goals for 2012: 
Be happier
Bangkok in October
G.P.A 3.0

Shoulder-Candy.

I'm really crushing on this bag right now.

Jendi Patches Holdall at Zalora.com

Le sigh.

It's kinda pathetic that it's a thursday night & I'm listening to Talyor Swift's "You belong to me" and dreaming all about you.


I can't help myself if you look like an angel.

Snaps in class

Maybe if I had a good phone, I'd be contented. Maybe if I lost weight and became skinny, I'd be contented. Maybe if I became pretty, I'd be contented. Maybe if I got smarter, I'd be contented. Maybe if more people were my friends, I'd feel contented. Maybe if my family loved me to pieces, I'd be contented. Maybe if I had a bestest best friend, I'd be contented.

That's a whole lot of maybe's and not enough yes's. 

I don't know what's wrong only that there's something missing in my heart. 

Fix me?

Had breakfast with the girls today, oh my tummy is cramping so hard right now. No rich foods for me. Maybe for dinner.. hehhe.
- hang clothes / wash them
- clear desk
- buy watermelon ice blended
- get out OB notes.
- get ready for tmr

Promises.

If I work hard this week, I will treat myself to a trip to H&M over next weekend.

Maybe get this lovely piece,

LIST LIST LIST!

First List.

Running Low.
- Cotton makeup wipes
- Cotton buds
- Blusher
- Cream blusher

Hello half week that when to hell.

Monday : Dumb Faci does not release RJ and Quiz. Have to do it on Tuesday. (Have yet to do it)

Tuesday: Maths RJ does not go through. Email Faci, given 15 min deadline. Relies only after deadline is way, way, way over. Special thanks to the fucked up broadband of RP.

Wednesday: CPPS. nuff said. Oh and drama was . . . not something I wanted to spend my time doing.

{e m o t i o n a l p o s t c o m i n g u p}

"You're bringing me down and this morning is bad enough as it is" 

I change my emotions to anger. I guess you wouldn't know it by looking at how I act, but it's in me. 

It's when I'm most silent that I'm cursing and swearing and visually killing every person in my way. And you know what? I'm sick of doing that. 

I'm sick of being angry inside all the time. I'm sick of failing all the time. I'm sick of not thinking things through. I'm sick of not being able to control what I do, what I eat, where I go. Gahhh, I'm sick of second doubting myself. 

Yet, I'm proud of myself. Of how far I've come and how normal I feel sometimes. But nothing last forever. 

Another thing that bothers me is that according to Maslow's Hierarchy Theory, I've yet to fulfill the third tier, the social criteria. I have friends. Just not ones who'll be there for everything. I have family. Just one I rarely see and one that treats me less than family. I have religion. Just one that I don't understand and dare I say, one that I cannot feel in my heart. I should feel god all around me. I do feel Allah S.A.W  but there are so many sins that I've committed. Will He still love me if I sin? Will He accept me if I repent, or is it something they just say? Am I ready to repent? And if I repent, will I be able to keep it that way? I don't want to say I'll wait till I get married to understand Islam. I want to understand now but I don't know if I'm ready to repent. 

I guess that's the gist of the matter. I know I'm evil. I do stupid dumb things that bring everything down. 

I'm causally agreeable to be around with, but nothing serious. 

I am disliked by some of my aunts

I am looked down upon in my family

I was not loved by my late grandmother. 

Nobody can love me, maybe not even Allah? 

Ya Allah, Please just let this be a test of strength. I'll keep trying if you're there. Guide me to where I'm supposed to be. Put me in the right place and in the right time. Open my heart wider to your love. Make me whole. I know I'm a sinner. I know I fall more times than I fly but don't condemn me yet.