Not sure if my birthday will be able to live up to it's hype.
oh wells, whatcha gna do abt that right?

xx

"And even when your hope is goneMove along, move along just to make it through"
You know those moments? The ones that happen so unexpectedly and suddenly that it's all you do just to shut your eyes and commit every detail to memory? The ones that make life worth the trouble?Those moments pass and here's the thing, 
you may never get them back again. 
You might never see a certain person again, or never be able to be in that situation again. So at the end of it all you may ask, then why have those memories, happy as they are, they remind you of something that can never be again. 
I've been fiddling around with this question for a while now and so far, the only logical answer I have is that, in doing so, by remembering all you cant have, you remind yourself of what you want. 
and reminding yourself of what you want, gives you courage to step forth into every jagged step, every hollow tree trunk and into a better future. 
Some things you wont be able to get back, nothing might replace it, but the most important thing to remember is to never give up. 
Things change,People change, but remember that you change and grow too. 
xx

Been Pretty Emo Lately Week.

So after all the hooplah about practicing my halloween makeup, I decided to just be glam for the night. 

Clarke Quay was pretty nice, but honestly I was too tired to really enjoy. Had some pretty nice moments with the guys there, hopefully next year will be better? 

xx

you know what? I'd rather not feel. not feel anything because everything gnaws on me. and seeing dreams just be dreams, hurt. I cannot be near you because you suck me in. 

Schedule

Wednesday, 26 Oct 2011

• Tuition with Nadiah 

Thursday, 27 Oct 2011

• 7.30 to 12.30 @ Mayflower Pri 
• Meet with Nikki for Halloween Discussion
• Drama @ Tp

Friday, 28 Oct 2011

• Diwali dinner @ Nikki's 

Saturday, 29 Oct 2011

• Dramatech Halloween Chalet 

You know even through all the haze, you sort of know that this story hasn't ended yet. 

I dont know what to say or do and it's freaking me out. even saying it seems wrong. I'm turing 20 in 13 days and I dont know who I am, what I'll be, where I was or even, or even if I'll make it. adn this is not a mindless rant. this is real. This is me typing. in the middle of the night, not giving a fuck to the errors I make. this is me floundering, drowning in life.

The thing is, I know what I could be. I know I could be amazing and extraordinary and that scares me because it's 12.20 at night and if i live till 80, almost a quater of my life is over. and when you lay every card down on the table, i have got nothing to show for the past 2 decades except an extraordinary talent for fucking up. Failing school. Repeating school. Dropping out of school. All because my head wasn't on straight.

All my friends will move on. and i'll be stuck here. working in a dead end job, not knowing how to be appreciative of life. and then one day ill be so lonely, i'll just turn to the person next to me and marry him. and i'll go through the motions. work. home. work. home. just like that, another 3 decades will be flushed down the drain. Just like that, i'll be saddled with a man that doesn't care and a job that never stops sucking. but, but i'll get used to it, i might even smile once in a while because everything so numb, it's almost bearable. and in my head now are all the people that i've met or will ever meet. My friends, my family and how they'll look and me and say " she'll never amount to something more" because that's who i'll be, the person they use as an example. " if you dont study, you'll end up like her. Deadbeat of a husband, no prospects and a ghost of a smile always hovering" and what's more, I wont be able to refute that. Because I know it's true and I know that I wouldn't gainsay the truth.

My biggest regret is wasting all the talent that god gave me. However little, He gave it to me to do something with it and not squander it away. I dont deserve my family. I dont deserve my friends. They deserve somebody who would make something of herself. Who always had faith, who didn't lie about who she was. who would tell the truth and not just what they'd want to hear. They deserve honesty and respect and pride and integrity and courage and everything. everything that i am not.

I try. Please dont say I didn't because I did. and you'll sit there and smile and wonder what ever became of me. You'd think of pity and relive that you're not me. and you'd give suggestions and look at me with eyes that wont see me. You'd see someone who failed but you wouldn't see me. Maybe once in awhile you'll see who I was, but that'll be over soon. We've all grown up and life moves on.

Monday Dares

Welcome to the first edition of Monday Dares. Where I dare myself to do something. On a Monday.
Get the picture?
(credits to Monday Dares goes to Flourish In Progress)

Monday Dare 24/10/2011: oh shit, can't think of one.


OH WAITS A MIN.

Monday Dares: To decipher the meaning of the past (almost)20 years. 

bam. 

other than that, I shall also venture to make the most of the day, cause waking up at 3 in the afternn is getting old and wearing thin and is making me feel worthless and unhappy and i dont want to turn 20 feeling like a worthless boohoo. I will not turn 20 without turning into myself, but better. 

hotdamn, this is a long one.

Just checking in with you my dear, here's how I look this instant:

  xx

Birthday Surprise!

 2 wishes, 2 candles? 

Happy 20th! May you always smile that bright. (and that dorky)  

"Heman"

I RUN FROM CONFRONTATION.

Sorry I'm incomplete.

I feel like, I feel like I don't know myself. I'm sure everyone goes through this stage but I'm turning 20, isnt it supposed to be over by now? I mean, my mid-life crisis is like 20 years away, yet I feel it now. Like I'm not anyone.

Does anyone ever notice that I only say things that people want to hear? Things that fit the situation, like in every word, I'm missing. I used to be free. I used to be more than my words then something happens and I'm wiped away. Maybe I'm

Hello again.


my old friend. so lazy for life. so ungrateful. tsk.

It's Clobbing time!

So in the restlessness of it all, I decided to bake. Baking to me isnt as it should be. Many of my girls find it therapeutic to bake but to me, it's just too many measurements to be made and the conversions, finding the scale, the scooper thing that measures flour etc. How is that good for you? It just makes me super stress!!!

I, however, love to cook. Throwing things into the pot, the sizzle, the aroma. They say in every cook, there's a method to their madness. I find the whole thing so stress relieving!

But anyway, even as we speak, a peach cobbler ( It's clobbing time, get it? ) is bubbling away in the oven and it was ridiculously easy to make! Sure, I had to go through the trouble of measuring the flour, sugar and milk but seriously? Three ingredients (to measure)! How can you not want to make that? So incase I've  tempted you, here's the recipe!

Ridiculously Simple Peach Cobbler 

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1 cup self-rising flour
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 cup milk
• 1 (16 ounce) can sliced peaches in heavy syrup
• 
  

• 
  

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Place butter or margarine in an 8X8 glass baking dish. Place dish in oven until butter is melted.
  3. In a medium bowl, combine flour and sugar. Mix well, then stir in milk. Spoon mixture into baking dish, on top of melted butter or margarine. Pour peaches over flour mixture.
  4. Bake in preheated oven for 50 to 60 minutes, until peaches are bubbly and crust is lightly browned.
  
  
  Tips: The peaches should be kinda chunky! 

When morning comes, I dont feel like doing anything. But at night, it's always way too late. 

plans? 

get lunch, 

make peach cobbler, 

call people up. 

BE BRAVE.

You know, life, is sort of an up and down. I finally know what they mean when they say life's a roller coaster. You may thing you've got it all figured out one day, but then. But then it happens. Change. Oh no, wait, change doesnt even have to happen. You'd just feel differently about it from one day to the next. Is that really fair? Yes. Yes it completely is fair. smash.


So here's a list:

• Quit CJob
• Call EvPri Job
• Text AC to shift. 

yes, it's all in codes coz the only thing I feel like doing now is blacking out. seriously. Nights.

Dear blog,
 I feel so completely me in you.
Thanks for the loving.

xx

NEED COMFORT FOOD ASAP. JOB IS STRESSEDASFUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. chocolate, chips and cookies. come to mama.

#notetoself: get 2 notebooks tmr. one for recipes.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head. 

First day on the job. Le sigh. 

Actually it was pretty good. yay. 

oh here are my hours: 

20 00 to 00 00

20 00 to 00 00 

20 00 to 00 00

22 00 to 03 00

23 00 to 03 00

2100 to 0100

so I'm keeping very late nights here. but then again, nothing I havent done before! 

First days are always the most depressing. 

)': 

Updated: The Bake List.

Feeling a little fickle.

i'm fickle, you know that. I've got things that I've always wanted to do, so here's a list. And Caliz, when you're 30 and you look back on this, I hope to god that you've done all this. I can't see into the future but you can see into the past. So I hope you're awesome and that things get better.

Here's a list,

Diy a bib necklace

Make Fried Wontons (again)

Bake them peach cobblers y'all!

Diy myself a long sheer skirt

I am never normal.
I am weird, happy, emotional, full of angst, hypocritical, roaring, stupid, inconsistant, beautiful, outrageous, melodramatic, non-relevant, under appreciated, over estimated, weak, jaded, a fool, optimist, ugly, bitchy, wrong, loud, nonsensical, misunderstood, willful, disobedient and undisciplined.

Guess that's about right.

Remember, we all make mistakes.

So remember how I said that I needed to start living? And that I needed to get a job? 

wait for it...

I GOT A JOB! 

I was super excited, then super sad then now, super excited!

because my job is in retail, I'd probably be working 9 to 10 hour days so that leaves absolutely no time for anything or anyone else ):

BUT

 I've rested so much and soon everyone's gonna be busy with school so, I got pretty hyped up again! lol

Okay, so back to the topic, the job (!!) and living life! I've decided that my goal for this month, is not to be late for work. Ever. And guess what's the most time consuming task in the morning? (apart from actually waking up) Yup, choosing which makeup I wear. Choosing alone takes me maybe 5 mins? Actual application takes 10 mins and since I'm in retail, I'd gladly spare those 10 mins to look happy, flawless (my fantasy) and approachable! 

So being a little plan-nish, I drew up a list of seven make up items to reach for each day, just to make the process go by a little faster! 

In no particular order, except for numerical;

1. Covergirl Lash blast Mascara : I love this mascara! No doubt one of the best every day mascaras I've tried so far. For me, it separates my lashes like a dream! No clumps and it really adds volume to my asian lashes! I have to say, though, the wand takes some getting use to as it's pretty big by asian standarts and if I remember correctly, the formula needed a little time to "dry out" before it becomes this magical lash potion. In Singapore, Covergirl products are available online at different beauty blogshops, however, the range available in Singapore is very limited, usually only their mascaras, blushers and eyeshadows! Here's a link for the mascara: Cherubslips

2. Foundation/BB cream: Right now in my arsenal, I have the Revlon Color stay Foundation (RCF) in Natural Tan and also the Za Liquid Foundation in 22! Word of warning, RCF oxides, which means that some time after you paint it on, it turns darker. However, as the fates should have it, my Za in 22 is too light for me, so as 3-2=1, so does the lighter Za foundation help counter the RCF's oxidization! Hooray!
However, I've been thinking of getting a BB cream from Maybelline in the shade Natural to haste the process. What do you guys think? $16.90 for an 18ml tube? 

3. Natural Pink/Coral Blush: Natural? Rosy? Pink? Coral? Nuff' said! When working retail, a good blusher makes all the difference, especially after 9 hours to labour! To make blushers last, I usually layer a cream blusher over a dusting of a powder blusher! Tip: If you're on a budget or just wanna try out  the creams, you can also take any muted pick lipstick and use in place of the cream blusher, just remember, BLEND BLEND BLEND it into your skin! 

4. Elianto Baked Blusher/Bronzer: I used this as a highlighter and I can vouch for the fact that it'll make you glow like a sun angel! If you're tan, buy this blusher, it provides the most luminous, peachy tawny shimmery glow to your skin. If you're fair buy this blusher, the ribbons of pink shimmer give your skin a rosy hint of summer while the gold-ish base warms you up! Here's a close up!

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lavitaebella48/page3/

5. Elf Essential Eye shadow quads: This particular quad is called Hazy Hazel and I use the light beige as an all over color on my lids. For more definition, I use the purple on the outer third of my lid. Blending the purple out, I then take the lighter brown(or the darker one, your choice) and pat that onto my the outer "v" to add even more definition. I seldom do this because I'm ALWAYS rushing for time and a simple swipe of eyeliner, liquid, gel or pencil (6. Eyeliner) over a shimmer base does it for me. Speaking of eyeliners, the Hypersharp from Maybelline's going for 15.90 at Watsons!

7. Lip balm: Because i find touching up lipgloss/lipstick while working annoying and balm's your best friend!

Ten ways to sell yourself.

 
You must believe in the product
  
Selling yourself is pretty much like selling anything. Firstly, you need to believe in what you’re selling. That means believing in “you”.  It’s about lots of positive self- talk and the right attitude.The first thing people notice about you is your attitude.

 If you’re like most people then you’ll suffer from lack of confidence from time to time.  It really all comes down to how you talk to yourself. The majority of people are more likely to talk to themselves negatively than positively - this is what holds them back in life.  It isn’t just about a positive attitude; it’s about the right attitude - the quality of your thinking.

Successful people have a constructive and optimistic way of looking at themselves and their work.
They have an attitude of calm, confident, positive  self- expectation. They feel good about
themselves and believe that everything they do will lead to their inevitable success.

If you’re in a sales job or a business owner or a manager then you need to continually work on your
attitude. You need to listen to that little voice inside your head. Is it saying you’re on top, going for
it and confident, or is it holding you back.

If you’re hearing - “I can’t do this or that” or “They won’t want to buy at the moment” or “We’re too
expensive” then you’d better change your self- talk or change your job.

Start to believe in yourself and don’t let things that are out with your control effect your attitude.
Avoid criticising, condemning and complaining and start spreading a little happiness.

Remember the saying of Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company - “If you believe you can
do a thing, or if you believe you can’t, in either case you’re probably right.”

more here . . . ( JUMP )

to run at least 2 times at week

List (4/11/2011)

• Collect spree item
• Run 
• Job Interviews
• D.I.Y projects : statement necklace, chiffon maxi skirt
• Cleaning up after myself
• Learn not to be so self centered. 
• Sleep before 12. 
• Wake up before 10. 

letting things go (awry)

I have been letting life go.

I have been hiding under mountains no, seasons of tv shows.
here's my current schedule:

Wake up, watch tv rewinds, maybe get lunch, maybe read some books, surf the internet, watch more old rewinds, sleep at 4. in the morning.

wasting time, no?
guess you could say that.

huh.

This life is not healthy. I'm sure you already know that, so it has to go.
Time to rejoin the living. Like really, no joke this time.

That means really finding for a job, really cleaning the house, really doing things, not just lazying around. It means achieving things, like oh maybe, weight loss (le sigh), getting plans together, and making list.

Guess it's time huh?
List coming up then. Love ya.

xx

Roxy Delirium Adjustable Shoulder Bag ($85)

Pumped up to run tomorrow, i hope it last. 

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN 

The Bake List.

Peach Cobbler w/ vanilla icecream

Chocolate chip cookies

loveart.

Eid Mubarak 2011

Some time ago. 

I realize that I have an overactive imagination.

and it's hard to think with Bones playing in the background.
oh and that Seely Booth is hot as heeeeellll.
And Lance Sweets.
Nothing better than a sweet guy with brains.
le sigh.